


four kinds of rain

by permitwinter



Series: weather [1]
Category: Durarara!!
Genre: Ambiguous/Open Ending, Mental Health Issues, Schizophrenia
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-08-23
Updated: 2015-08-23
Packaged: 2018-04-16 20:43:59
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,924
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4639557
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/permitwinter/pseuds/permitwinter
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>He sighs. His doctor sighs as well. ‘’Orihara-kun, please keep in mind, this ‘Shizu-chan’ of yours is just a figment of your own imagination; fiction; fantasy.’’<br/>‘’He isn’t real.’’ He adds then.<br/>‘’He isn’t real.’’ Izaya agrees. But from the corner of his eye he can see the tall blonde, leaning against the white wall of the white room, smoking a cigarette, and he coughs, not because of the thin smoke but because the untruth of his own words choke him.</p>
            </blockquote>





	four kinds of rain

**Author's Note:**

> The title is from Robert Ward's Four Kinds Of Rain.  
> The first three sentences are (albeit a bit altered) quotes from Death Parade, Ken Kesey's One Flew Over The Cuckoo's Nest, and Nisemonogatari, respectively .

‘’The truth is, there are no lives that are nothing but pretty.’’

‘’Yes, it’s the truth even if it didn’t happen.’’

‘’But then again; there’s no such thing as truth in this world.’’

 

Izaya ends his monologue with a soliloquy.

 

‘’Sometimes, I don’t even know whom I’m talking to.’’

‘’It could be me, it could be you.’’

‘’It could be someone non-existent; that could be me, that could be you.’’

 

His doctor just eyes him, studies him, analyses him. Izaya doesn’t like it; he should be the one watching the other human, instead.

 

‘’Ne, it could be Shizu-chan, too.’’ He sighs. His doctor sighs as well. ‘’Orihara-kun, please keep in mind, this ‘Shizu-chan’ of yours is just a figment of your own imagination; fiction; fantasy.’’

‘’He isn’t real.’’ He adds then.

‘’He isn’t real.’’ Izaya agrees. But from the corner of his eye he can see the tall blonde, leaning against the white wall of the white room, smoking a cigarette, and he coughs, not because of the thin smoke but because the untruth of his own words choke him.

 

細雨

さいう

drizzle

 

Izaya walks home slowly. It’s raining, but only softly, and he doesn’t care either way, wouldn’t mind getting drenched and soaked and cold to the bone anyway. He walks home and Shizuo’s by his side, like Shizuo always is. Always and ever and he’ll never leave no matter what Izaya does and tries ~~and pleads and cries~~.

 

‘’Ne, Shizu-chan?’’

‘’Ne, ne, Shizu-chan!’’

 

‘’What, I-za-ya-kun.’’

 

Yes, what indeed? What the hell does he want? What the hell will he say? What the hell can he do? He just –no fifteen minutes ago- agreed Shizuo doesn’t exist, and if that’s not betrayal then Izaya isn’t completely crazy, which ~~doesn’t sound too bad, but simply~~ is unbelievably impossible; implausible and preposterous.

 

‘’I’m sorry.’’ He says and he means it. He hardly means it when he apologises, which is why he hardly ever does, but this particular blonde is an exception; Heiwajima Shizuo is an exception, and if Izaya doesn’t apologise then-

 

He has hardly the time to duck and evade the street sign aimed at his head. Perhaps apologising was the wrong move. If he apologises he admits his mistake, after all, and if he admits he’s made a mistake –and making a mistake, deliberately or intentionally, is a wrong move,- then that means he admits he’s made a wrong move and a wrong move means punishment, just like apologising equals showing repentance and repentance equals asking for salvation and salvation equals asking for punishment. So really, all that Shizuo does is complying his pleads for forgiveness, right? Izaya doesn’t know when his reasoning became more like mismatching mismatched synonyms but somehow, somewhen, it did, and he knows Shizuo knows which is why, having a street sign aimed at his head, is perfectly plausible.

 

And if Izaya hadn’t apologised how would Shizuo forgive him? How could he forgive himself if he wasn’t properly punished.

So perhaps he shouldn’t have evaded the street sign, no, he should have let it hit him, shouldn’t have let instinct and reflex and self-perseverance taken over, because dodging is the equivalent of denying himself peace and rest, which is why, when Shizuo swings the sign that reads ‘’STOP’’, he allows it to collide with his torso and he can feel himself fly away, then crash against a wall, and he slowly sinks through the ground to the bottom of the ocean called oblivion.

But Shizuo picks him up, collects him and cradles him and carries him home, which makes everything worth it; the pleasure far outweighs the pain, even if he can’t keep his eyes open or his tears inside or his blood from falling –falling so gently, dripping and staining the pavement and- it’s mizzling by the time they get home.

 

.

 

Shinra just talks: ‘’You know, Izaya-kun, one of the cliché excuses for self-inflicted damage is ‘’I ran into streetlight’’, which is weird when you think about it; why would anyone run into a streetlight? Perhaps ‘’bumped into a streetlight’’ would be a more plausible description, but then again, if someone were to actually bump into a streetlight, which is far more probable, the damage wouldn’t hardly be as severe as when someone were to run into a streetlight, which is possible, mind you, but anyway, it is rather cliché and a common excuse for self-inflicted damage, but then I’m talking about a black eye. You, Izaya-kun, look like you actually ran into a streetlight, or rather; you look like it ran into you, which is of course impossible, as streetlights don’t run at all; they have a very still and steady existence, but anyway, how were you able to hit yourself with such an undoubtedly large and thick pole or rod?’’

 

When Kishitani Shinra talks, he talks a lot. When talking to Kishitani Shinra, the conversation exists mainly of Shinra giving a lecture or monologue. Shinra holds monologues over two topics; anything medical related, and Celty Sturluson. Other talk is idle chitchat to him. He will participate, but won’t be hardly as passionate as he would when talking about his favourite topics. In that way, he is just like all the other humans, or rather, he would be, but Izaya still regards him as better than those; he regards him as an equal. This is why Izaya actually listens to Shinra, his one and only friend, and he occasionally provides Shinra with information –for free of course- just like Shinra often provides him medical care.

For a moment Izaya hesitates, because a) Shinra is his friend, but he can’t see Shizuo, can’t feel or hear or sense Shizuo like Izaya can. Shinra cannot perceive Shizuo in any way, which is why Shinra, too, regards Shizuo as one of Izaya’s idiosyncrasies. In other words; as a delusion, as fake, a hallucination; not real and untrue.

and b) Shizuo might get slightly annoyed or worse; surreptitiously angry if Izaya accuses him of outdoor yet domestic violence.

 

‘’It was a street sign, this time.’’ Izaya breathlessly corrects him. He doesn’t look behind him, doesn’t need to as he can feel Shizuo’s fingers on his shoulders, still softly drawing circles as if trying to sooth both Izaya and himself. Shizuo isn’t a bad person; Izaya asked for it after all.

 

‘’A street sign!’’ Shinra lets out, too cheerfully, too loud. ‘’Of course, of course, it had to be.’’

‘’Yes, no other object would leave such injuries, a street sign, of course.’’

 

Izaya has no answers and Shinra doesn’t ask anything anyway. Even if they do, Izaya doesn’t really answer and Shinra doesn’t really ask. This is good. This is okay. Saying it was a street sign is like saying it was Shizuo, in a way, and he also subtly lets Shinra know not to ask anything else, because Izaya can’t take it and they both know it. They both do.

 

‘’Well then,’’ Shinra says and he smiles ~~and it’s too much of an effort to fake a genuine smile, and even if he were to attempt Izaya would see right through it because Izaya sees right through everyone either way~~. ‘’You’re properly patched up now. Next time though, come right after.. after the incident. No need to patch yourself up, Izaya-kun, that’s what I’m for after all. I mean-’’

 

He means well, of course, he does. Izaya just nods.

He stands up and leaves the room.

He stands up and leaves a distorted Shinra.

He stands up and leaves and Shizuo follows, because Shizuo always does. Always and ever and-

 

‘’It rains. That’s Tokyo’s September for you. Although, in that respect, drizzle isn’t all that bad.’’

‘’Ne Shizu-chan, do you think Shinra looked tired?’’

 

‘’I don’t know, Izaya-kun.’’

 

Izaya-kun, Izaya-kun. It’s always Izaya-kun, except for his doctor/therapist/torturer; he calls Izaya ‘’Orihara-kun’’, which isn’t any better if not even worse. At least his sisters call him ‘’Iza-nii’’. Sometimes the formality strangles him. Oftentimes he feels like he’s choking. Actually, he just wants Shizuo to feel comfortable enough with him to call him just Izaya. Needless to say the same goes for Shinra, but he would never voice that want to the doctor.

 

Shizuo holds their umbrella above both of their heads. Shizuo is a gentleman, really, he is.

 

.

 

Fine droplets of water slowly slip down the cold glass. Izaya’s breathing against it, but there’s no condense, no mist. Perhaps his breath is too cold. Perhaps it’s his soul that lacks warmth. He leans his cheek against the cool surface and sighs and shivers; Shizuo’s turned to heat down again. Shizuo tends to do that, and Izaya knows there’s no real harm in it, but knowing so doesn’t stop his skin from forming goose bumps, and if he were to look at his hands he’d see they’re blue from the cold.

 

When he stands up he hears his bones crack and snap and his spine creaks when he bends over to stretch.

 

大雨

おおあめ

heavy rain

 

Celty Sturluson doesn’t like him and he doesn’t like Celty Sturluson. They don’t dislike each other either, but their friendliness only exists with regards to Shinra. Or so they agreed.

 

[You’ve been visiting an awful lot, lately.]

 

He reads it from her PDA. It’s a seemingly innocent sentence. Even if you were to subtly read into it, all it says is she doesn’t appreciate him frequenting the place. They both know it’s not like that. Izaya knows what Celty really means with that string of kanji and hiragana, but she can’t say it no more because she has no head than because it’d be too direct/cruel/blunt _agonisingly_ true. He has been visiting an awful lot, lately, yes, because lately he’s been injured an awful lot, yes, and it’s all his own fault; Shizuo just helped him cleanse some dirt and relieve some sin. But she can’t say, cannot possibly type something along the lines of ‘’your own insanity has caused you an awful lot of harm and injuries, lately,’’.

 

She can’t, and she doesn’t need to because Izaya sees right through her, even if she lacks a head to read facial expressions from.

 

‘’I ran into a streetlight.’’ He says and he has to keep himself from laughing, then, because Shinra’s claim, he just proved it to be right. It’s a lame excuse and he knows it and it’s exactly why he uses it; he can’t like Celty enough to make up something better. He doesn’t know how to react when he hears Shizuo snort.

 

[You can’t do that anymore.] She types, and this time she’s being ignorant and oblivious and stupid, because yes indeed, Izaya can’t run into streetlights anymore now. Even though she doesn’t mean it the way he reads it, or perhaps because she doesn’t, he has to laugh. He also has to admit his humour is dark and glee-less.

 

Celty brings him home and puts him in the wheelchair and Shizuo’s kind enough to push it for him the following weeks.

 

篠突く雨

しのつくあめ

intense rain

 

When Izaya’s legs have healed he and Shizuo make love. Or perhaps that’s not what it’s called. They have sex. They fuck. There’s no love involved; not for Izaya; not with Shizuo. He is cold and Shizuo is hot and it’s painful and it’s rough and no matter what Izaya does and tries and no matter how much he cries, the pleasure _always_ outweighs the pain. Always and ever.

 

Right?

 

天泣

てんきゅう

rain from a cloudless sky

 

‘’Ne, Shizu-chan.’’

‘’I’m sorry.’’

‘’I’m so sorry.’’


End file.
